Myth #1: Avoidant = Heartless
What we get wrong about avoidant attachment
“You’re too distant.”
“Why can’t you just open up?”
“Do you even care?”
If you just rolled your eyes, shook your head or cringed, welcome! This blog series is for you.
Think avoidant attachment means someone doesn’t care? Think again. This blog series debunks the most common myths—one misunderstood hero at a time. First up: Batman.
“I want to thank you for coming on such short notice…and before we get into why you’re here,
I wanted to say….
…well, I just…
...I know that I’m not an easy person to know.
That’s all.”
Meet the Myth:
Why are avoidants so cold?
“No. No dating for the Batman. It might cut into your brooding time.”
—DIANA: JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED
Let’s just say it: people with avoidant attachment styles get a bad rap. Distant. Cold. Selfish. The kind of person who disappears when things get too real.
The internet loves to call them out—“If they cared, they’d reach out.” “If they wanted you, you’d know.”
But if you really want to understand avoidant attachment, take a look at Batman.
“I’m a rich kid with issues… lots of issues.”
—BATMAN: JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED
Not exactly the poster child for emotional vulnerability. He ghosts. He isolates. He handles things on his own. People in his life often feel shut out or pushed away.
But no one would call him heartless. Why? Because we know he cares—fiercely, silently, and sometimes in ways that hurt him more than he’ll admit.
The myth says avoidant people don’t feel. The truth? They feel so much—they’ve just learned to protect it with everything they’ve got.
What is Avoidant Attachment?
The art of staying close by pulling away. Avoidant attachment is a self-protective relationship style built on the belief that independence is safer than vulnerability.
What Gets Missed:
How do avoidant attachments show love?
“It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.”
—BATMAN BEGINS
When someone seems distant or emotionally unavailable, it’s easy to assume they just don’t care. But that assumption skips over something important: distance isn’t always about disinterest. Sometimes, it’s about defense.
For people with avoidant attachment, emotions weren’t always safe terrain. Maybe they grew up in environments where vulnerability was punished, ignored, or simply not modeled. Maybe they learned early on that expressing feelings led to shame, chaos, or disappointment.
So they adapted. They learned to keep emotions inside, to rely on themselves, to stay two steps ahead of anything that might hurt. They learned: If I’m going to be okay, I need to handle things myself.
"Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.”
—BATMAN BEGINS
And here’s where Batman comes back in: he’s not unfeeling. He just doesn’t show his emotions in the way most people expect. He protects his heart by keeping it armored, by staying in control. Avoidantly attached people often do the same.
Their care shows up in action, not words. They fix things. They show up in quiet ways. They give you space because that’s what they would want.
Avoidant Love Languages
Acts of service.
Thoughtful problem-solving.
Giving space.
Subtle consistency.
Emotional endurance.
“GORDON: I never said thank you.
BATMAN: And you’ll never have to.”
Where the Myth Gets Something Right
Avoidant attachment shutdown
“There is a difference between you and me. We both looked into the abyss, but when it looked back at us, you blinked.”
—BATMAN: [TO OWLMAN] CRISIS ON TWO EARTHS
Now, let’s be fair—this myth didn’t come out of nowhere. When someone pulls away right when things get intimate, or seems calm and disconnected in the middle of a conflict, it can feel like they just don’t care.
Avoidant behavior can look like emotional absence. They might shut down, go quiet, over-focus on logic, or disappear for days when emotions run high. If you’re someone who needs closeness to feel secure, this can be incredibly painful.
“I wear a mask. And that mask, it's not to hide who I am, but to create what I am.”
—BATMAN: HUSH
So yes—there’s truth here. Avoidantly attached people often struggle with emotional expression, especially in moments that require openness and vulnerability. Their nervous systems are wired to protect, not connect. At least not right away.
But that doesn’t mean their feelings are shallow—or nonexistent. It means they’re overwhelmed. It means their body is trying to keep them safe the only way it knows how: by creating distance.
What looks like coldness on the outside is often panic, tension, or shutdown on the inside. There is something true in how avoidants pull back—but the why behind it matters just as much as the what.
“Like I said... an innocent man.”
—BATMAN, after revealing that he rigged the bomb to himself to prove his point
Why Avoidants Pull Back
To restore relationship/life balance.
Space to think, process, & reflect.
Don’t want to burden others.
Let’s Reframe It
Keeping calm
“For what is Batman? If not an effort to master the chaos that sweeps our world.”
-ALFRED: BATMAN & ROBIN
Let’s pull back the lens a bit. What if avoidance isn’t a lack of emotion—but a strategy to protect it? What if the silence isn’t empty, but full of effort to stay in control?
What if someone learned self-reliance as a way to appreciate the people in their lives without overburdening them. And not needing anyone was not only safer, but also an act of selflessness. What if this cold demeanor was designed not only for self-protection, but also an expression of genuine love and care.
The avoidantly attached person might not say “I love you” out loud. But they remember your coffee order. They fix your car. They send that article they think you’ll like. These are bids for connection, even if they’re subtle.
Think Batman again: he doesn’t gush. He doesn’t overshare. But he shows up. He fights for people. He protects what he values, even when he’s alone in it.
“I have one power. I never give up.”
-BATMAN: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD
Avoidant doesn’t mean heartless. It means cautious. It means armored. It means love takes time—and often shows up in quiet, practical, deeply loyal ways.
“A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a coat on a young boy’s shoulders to let him know that the world hasn’t ended.”
Try This
Avoidant attachment exercises
Whether you lean avoidant yourself or love someone who does, here are a few gentle ways to reflect and reframe:
JOURNAL PROMPT
If You Tend to Shut Down
What does pulling away protect you from? And when you’ve created distance, have you ever still felt the ache of wanting to be close?
PERSPECTIVE SHIFT
If Someone You Care About Seems Distant
Can you spot the non-verbal ways they might be showing they care? Is it in their actions? Their consistency? Their attempts to fix, even if it’s not what you asked for?
MINDFULNESS EXERCISE
Try Noticing This Week
When do you armor up? What does your version of emotional safety look like? And what would it take to feel just 10% safer, softer, or more open?
Next time: another myth, another misunderstood hero
